I am the mother of identical twin sons, who are now 11 years old (they will be referred to as “C” and “R”). Both of them have an autism spectrum disorder diagnosis, but the level of impairment is different between the two (one is prone to anxiety and impulsiveness). After completing first grade, only one was able to be promoted to the next grade. The other, had to repeat first grade thereby beginning a spiral of events that I am still unclear as to how far-reaching the effects will be.

A little background on my twins – They were born at 33 weeks, but weighed over 5 pounds at birth and avoided time in the NICU. We were originally told they were fraternal twins because they had separate sacs and placentas –  a DNA test later confirmed they were identical. I learned that if the egg splits within the first 72 hours, you get the separate sacs and placentas. I found it interesting because I too, am an identical twin and identical twins happen randomly (I’m very random evidently).

Both boys were delayed reaching all of their developmental milestones (as was their older sister). What was always consistent was how C would work and work at something until he could finally do it. R would not noticeably work at something and then just do it one day. This happened with crawling, walking and talking, and still exists to a point, today. Their autism diagnosis came at age 3, which is the subject for another post.

They attended a preschool for kids with autism and then kindergarten at a school for kids with learning differences. Throughout this time, they had been in the same classroom primarily because there was just 1 class available. They continued to first grade  together where it quickly  became evident that they needed to be in separate classes. R had fits of aggression  that impacted his learning and completing assignments. He would knock over classroom furniture – C would get so upset about it, he had a difficult time focusing on his own work. Towards the end of the year, it was first brought up that R be held back because there wasn’t a way to seperate them otherwise.  We reluctantly agreed because the other choice was the public school system, which wasn’t an option as far as we were concerned.

We didn’t elaborate the following year when C started second grade, and R began first grade again. In fact they really didn’t ask about it until the end of the third/second grade year. At that time, they became very aware of it because they were asked by peers on a daily basis. That led to questions at home, which led to even more questions because they were now acutely aware of how things were supposed to be.

What am I going to do in the year that R is still in school? Do I have to wait for him to start college? Are we still twins even though we aren’t in the same grade? Why can’t R be moved ahead? Why can’t I move back a grade?

These questions are asked consistently and I wish I could answer them to their satisfaction. I have worried about the long term damage that could be done by this separation (mixed in all with the other dark-of-night worries). Unfortunately, at the time, it was something that needed to be done. Now that they are getting older, it’s like a invisible weight around our necks. They WANT to be in the same grade, I want them in the same grade. As they enter middle school, these questions amplify even though they will remain at the same school.

So, now what? There is no section covering this is in any book I have seen. I’m thinking I may have to write it myself.